† Letter One†

When I was younger you meant the world to me. When I was laughing it was usually because of something you did, when I was hurt your hugs were the only thing that would make it better. I remember when I fractured my wrist, you were the one I wanted in the emergency room. On Friday mornings we would go to breakfast with the guys from your work, before you would take me to school. On Saturdays sometimes we would drive out of town just to watch airplanes take off or just walk around the mall spending time together. I will remember those memories the rest of my life, they were some of my favorites. I will also remember the day you left, you packed up and never looked back. You promised to be home for Christmas that year, and even though I knew you weren’t coming home, you didn’t feel the need to call until Christmas Eve to make it final. I remember that summer I went to visit you. You missed taking pictures with me at my prom, but you were there for hers. You were there for her prom and all her other school functions when you had two kids back at home you couldn’t be bothered with. I don’t even know why I spent a whole summer with you, maybe I knew it would probably be one of the last times I spent that amount of time near you. Fast forward to the day you got married. I remember dancing with you and you asking me what song we would dance to at my wedding. I had a few songs picked out, I just needed to narrow it down. I would soon learn that it wouldn’t matter though, because you wouldn’t be attending my wedding or my reception, because it was more convenient for you to come back earlier that year and you couldn’t be bothered to come again. It amazes me how upset you found out I was engaged because of Facebook, but then couldn’t be bothered to show up to my wedding. I was beyond excited when I found out I was going to be a mom. I called to let you know that you were going to be a grandpa, you couldn’t rejoice with me though, because you had to get off the phone to get your steak off the grill. 

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† I Am Worthy of Healing †

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Today, I had some time, so I went back and read through the captions on my Instagram photos. I started this Instagram account in October of 2019. In the past couple of years, I have had few ups and downs. They say that healing isn’t linear, and I can attest to that, there are days when I feel on top of the world and days where I’m not even sure I can make it out of bed. There are times when I overflow with self-love, self-worth, and my self-confidence is on fire. Then there are the days where I am self-loathing, self-depreciating, and I don’t believe I have any worth.

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† Breakthroughs †

|It’s okay, to not be okay|
|It’s okay, to cut toxic people out of your life|
|It’s okay, to be happy again|
|It’s okay, to have bad days|
|It’s okay, to go wild with your friends|
|It’s okay, to fail|
|It’s okay, to try again|
|It’s okay, if you don’t like yourself sometimes|
|It’s okay, to be human|
|It’s okay, to put yourself first|

|It’s okay, to need help|
|It’s okay, to feel pain|
|It’s okay, love yourself|

Breakthrough 1: Even though I am scared to open up to people, in fear of them leaving. It is unfair of me to put the responsibility of sticking around on them. People will come and go from my life. I will find it easier to open up to some and not to others. If people leave, it will hurt but it will be okay. I will grow. I may need to be careful the next time, but I do not have to isolate myself and ignore my feelings.
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Breakthrough 2: It’s okay to just pursue myself. I think as an empath sometimes I get caught up in thinking I need to always put others first. However, this is impossible if I don’t sometimes put myself first and recharge. When we give to others on empty, we end up at some point resenting them and then ourselves. Again, it is okay to pursue and put myself first.
But the two main things I learned this year were:
You are enough!
You are so worth loving!
I wanted to start putting loving myself into action, so as I was talking to my therapist we came up with the idea that I would do daily affirmations. Every day I write down three things that are true about myself, so on those really hard days, I can take a look back and see that I am worth it.
1.      I am compassionate.
2.      I am me and my past does not define me.
3.      I am worthy of the love I give out freely to others. 
4.      I feel deeply and that’s okay. 
5.      I am a poet. 
6.      I am beautiful inside and out.
7.      I speak life and love into others. 
8.      I am learning to let go of my past and not live in it. 
9.      I’m a great mom.
10.    I am strong. 
11.     I am relentless.
12.    I’m funny as fuck. 
13.    I’m learning my faults do not define me.
14.    I am present in every moment.
15.    I accept myself exactly as I am.

† Know Your Truth †

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If you know me, then you know I am a big advocate for mental health. I am always willing to listen to people and help them find the resources they need to get help. I know how important mental health can be and yet it has taken me a long time to stop avoiding and deflecting my problems and to finally take that step to go to therapy and work through problems I have that have stemmed back through childhood. I will be honest part of the reason it took me so long, was because for the longest time I did not think I would really have much to talk about with my therapist. There are times in my life when I am really good at being in denial and believe that I am fine and everything is going fine and then there are days, when I am not even sure I am working at any type of healthy mindset.  

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† Begin Again †

If you know anything about growth, then you know it can be painful. My one word for 2020 was growth. Let me tell you, I grew in ways I never knew possible, and I still have more growing to do. 2020 was also a year of loss for me. At one point I realized I got caught up in all the things I thought I wanted and was ready for and I lost myself. I lost the person who I found the fall of 2019. The girl that was so happy because she was finally pursing herself instead of meaningless short term flings of happiness. I loss a failing relationship I had with my father, as I finally decided to set boundaries and take care of myself by cutting him completely out of my life. I loss my uncle to a heart attack in October.

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