Three and half years ago I left my marriage. It was amicable, we decided that we didn’t want our child growing up in a toxic environment. After I left my ex, I realized I had a lot of healing I needed to do, however, I wasn’t sure where to start. The that was healing needed, came from years of childhood trauma and hurts. The first two years were rough, and healing seemed impossible. I fought depression, struggled with my self-worth, put myself in situations that intensified my depression and lowered my perception of my self-worth. I did not value myself as worthy of love from others in any form. I became quite the hermit and I never wanted to get attached to people in any way. When Covid hit, I realized just how lonely I was and how I had isolated myself from almost everyone. I knew I needed a change, but how do you find this change in the middle of a pandemic? I started out small. I spent a lot of time outside in the fresh air with my kiddo. We took walks at the county park, had water gun fights in the yard, I introduced him to almost every sport possible in toddler size. We had so much fun in 2020. We even took a trip in the Upper Peninsula. Some things were closed down but we were still able to see quite a bit of scenery and nature. We got to visit lots of different lighthouses and we checked out a few waterfalls. It is always a good time watching Gabe explore and experience new things. The joy he has on his face brings so much peace to my mama heart. I knew it was time to get serious and really figure out how to work on my healing journey at this point.
In September of 2020, I did something I thought I would never do, I booked a Tarot reading. Honestly, at first I did it because why not? I thought if anything it would be fun and it was something new and I wanted to experience new things. By booking that Tarot reading I opened up a whole new healing path for myself and a new hobby. I started studying the different meaning of the cards, bought a few oracle decks, and crystals. I don’t think it matters what you believe in or what path you are on, but when you start to do the work and look into why you do the things you do it can bring so much clarity. At this time I was also doing therapy. I thought my therapist was amazing as a human being, however, I just was not getting much out of it. Getting into tarot and crystals helped me answer hard questions I would have never thought to ask, especially when getting into shadow work. I think therapy is amazing, I work in the mental health field and stand by it a hundred percent, but at the time it was not working for me, I do not believe I advocated for myself the way I needed to and that is something I am learning to do now. (PSA: If you want to book a tarot reading, I HIGHLY recommend Anastasia at The.Tarot.Hottie. She is amazing, explains in details what the cards mean for you, she also explains the crystals she picks for your reading, and she is just down to earth and a beautiful person inside and out.)
After having Covid completely turn the year 2020 upside down, therapy not working out, and just kind of being burnt out on life my friend and I decided we needed a momcation and Vegas was the perfect place to escape. Can I just say that when life gets hard, take a time out and go on vacation with your best friend. Not only did I get to spend time in Las Vegas, but I got to see the Hollywood sign and the Pacific Ocean in California. We drove to Arizona to see the Grand Canyon. I got to see the Hoover Dam, checked out the Mob Museum. It was a blast and refresher that I think we both honestly needed. I saw so much nature that week that my heart exploded with happiness. I got to see mountains upon mountains, got beautiful landscape pictures. It felt like for the first time in a long time I was just where I needed to be. I felt free and enjoyed the beauty around me. Coming back from the trip really helped me feel refreshed and along with the tarot reading it was the second thing to jump start my healing process. I also started this blog. I’m not an avid blogger, but it is nice to have space for me to write my thoughts when needed. I wanted to document all the ups and downs in this healing journey. Sometimes that meant posting whatever I needed to say when I needed to say it. It also meant learning to let go of things I could not change or different give me purpose. Over the months I have realized quite a few things, let go of things, and other things I am still holding space for and working my way through. One of the biggest lessons I have personally learned for myself is that I cannot chase happiness and feel fulfilled, instead I want to create my happiness with my life experiences. Every time I watch Gabe learn something new, when we go on vacation and explore new places, when I have quality time with the people I love, when I buy a new deck of cards or a beautiful gem I am creating happiness in my life. I think so often we do the big things to feel happiness and we do not seek it out in the little things or just over look them. In 2021, I took the time to notice the little things and the big things. I took the time to choose me and to dig deep into my healing. It is not an easy process, it has its good days and the bad ones. One of the biggest ways I have grown in these three years is by letting someone else into my life. After I left my marriage I swore I would never date again, but here I am learning to love myself, love another, and allow them to love me the way I should be loved, but that is a story for another day.