Present

† Letter One†

When I was younger you meant the world to me. When I was laughing it was usually because of something you did, when I was hurt your hugs were the only thing that would make it better. I remember when I fractured my wrist, you were the one I wanted in the emergency room. On Friday mornings we would go to breakfast with the guys from your work, before you would take me to school. On Saturdays sometimes we would drive out of town just to watch airplanes take off or just walk around the mall spending time together. I will remember those memories the rest of my life, they were some of my favorites. I will also remember the day you left, you packed up and never looked back. You promised to be home for Christmas that year, and even though I knew you weren’t coming home, you didn’t feel the need to call until Christmas Eve to make it final. I remember that summer I went to visit you. You missed taking pictures with me at my prom, but you were there for hers. You were there for her prom and all her other school functions when you had two kids back at home you couldn’t be bothered with. I don’t even know why I spent a whole summer with you, maybe I knew it would probably be one of the last times I spent that amount of time near you. Fast forward to the day you got married. I remember dancing with you and you asking me what song we would dance to at my wedding. I had a few songs picked out, I just needed to narrow it down. I would soon learn that it wouldn’t matter though, because you wouldn’t be attending my wedding or my reception, because it was more convenient for you to come back earlier that year and you couldn’t be bothered to come again. It amazes me how upset you found out I was engaged because of Facebook, but then couldn’t be bothered to show up to my wedding. I was beyond excited when I found out I was going to be a mom. I called to let you know that you were going to be a grandpa, you couldn’t rejoice with me though, because you had to get off the phone to get your steak off the grill. 

For years I have allowed myself to become so closed off because I’m afraid of allowing others to blow me off like you have. I have allowed myself to blindly believe in this lie that because you couldn’t show up in any of the important parts of my life that I am not enough, I am not worthy of love, and that there must be something wrong with me because you didn’t want to be a part of my life unless it somehow benefited you. I have been disappointed, hurt, and angry long enough. It’s time to let go and time for me to realize that you not showing up has nothing to do with me and everything to do with you. I am worthy of someone truly loving and caring for me. I can allow myself to be open and learn to trust others. Not everyone is you. Your actions have hurt me for years and I never said anything. Part of me held on to those memories I had as a little girl always waiting for that dad to return, but that was never going to happen, and I was just lying to myself. My mind wanting something that was in the past. The first step was me saying enough was enough. I needed to cut you from my life for me and my wellbeing. The next step is letting go. I am forgiving you, for me. I will probably never hear you say sorry and at first that really bothered me. However, I now know that my healing is the most important thing… so my promise to myself is to daily work on letting go and forgiving you for all the hurt I have felt from your actions.

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