If you know me, then you know I am a big advocate for mental health. I am always willing to listen to people and help them find the resources they need to get help. I know how important mental health can be and yet it has taken me a long time to stop avoiding and deflecting my problems and to finally take that step to go to therapy and work through problems I have that have stemmed back through childhood. I will be honest part of the reason it took me so long, was because for the longest time I did not think I would really have much to talk about with my therapist. There are times in my life when I am really good at being in denial and believe that I am fine and everything is going fine and then there are days, when I am not even sure I am working at any type of healthy mindset.
I would say the final straw pushing me into therapy was cutting the toxic relationship I had with my dad out of my life for good. A few months after I did that my uncle passed away and I could not grieve his loss. It was like my mental capacity of loss was reached and I was just numb. I never processed all the hurt I gained over the years from my dad and I never grieved that relationship ending, I kind of just pushed it aside like it did not matter even though it did matter in the fact, that I need to process all the garbage and then grieve the loss so that I can heal properly and I do not believe I can do any of that without therapy.
I read a quote recently that said, “I thought I was broken and needed fixing, but I was actually hurt and needed healing. Two different concepts.” This struck a chord with me, because for so long I have felt broken. I have felt like I would never be able to have any type of healthy relationships in my life because I have built walls on the bases of having extreme abandonment issues and struggling with trusting others. In reality, I am not broken, I just have trauma that I have not healed from and that is causing me to “protect myself” the best way I know how.
About two years ago I got a tattoo of a Phoenix and under it, a quote that says, “strength is what we gain from the madness we survive.” This tattoo was very therapeutic for me. For one the Phoenix represents arising from ashes and being reborn and I believe the quote speaks for itself. I still have a way to go in my healing, it is very much not a linear or easy process, but this tattoo reminds me every day all the times I have risen from the ashes and the strength I have gain, and I will gain strength through this too. I just need to continue to process, heal, and never let go of my truth.